It’s been two and a half years since my mom passed — and approaching the 12-year anniversary of my dad passing. I’ve committed myself to the grief process and healing process, and this blog is a part of that commitment. It’s a lot of work. And I have enjoyed moments, days, and even months of extreme peace because of the care and attention I’ve given my grief. But guess what? Sometimes I have crappy days, too.
Right now, I am deeply sad. I am writing in a wave of grief. With tears just under the surface, I have spent much of today between sobs and snotty kleenex.
I’m finding it difficult to articulate why my grief came to visit today. But I know it is grief I feel, so I try not to over analyze it. Instead, I commit to feeling it — with the understanding that “this too, shall pass”. And when it does, perhaps I will know something from it. Perhaps some part of my grief has been stuck — some grief I have been unaware of — and now it is moving through.
After a few hours, a few phone calls, some time of reflection with a few more kleenex, I sit back down to write.
So much of my life has changed in the past few years. Following the passing of my mom, which was a huge change in itself, I moved two states away from where I had built a life for myself, and back to my home town (bittersweet). An important relationship ended with someone I wish great happiness for, and she has since moved on (bittersweet). I cleared out and sold our family home to a beautiful new family (bittersweet). I closed my business of 5 years…and recently started a job I am even more passionate about (bittersweet). I have deepened my spiritual practice, opening many more questions to sit with (bittersweet). I am also happier than I have been in years, but at the cost of losing my mom (bittersweet). I’ve gained perspective that only comes with grief. I’m not sure I can make total sense of the juxtaposition I’m feeling right now.
I guess what I am saying is, I have accepted my new place in the world and my new found direction, but there is still grief in the difficulty of how I landed here. In other words, I am grieving this beautiful place I am in, and all that changed in order to bring me here. I am grieving the beauty of the change process itself.
The changes I face continue to challenge me in new ways every day. I have countless opportunities every day to let old habits reign and transport me into my old ways of sub-conscious living…Or I can choose to pause, slow down, and choose a different path. A path that says, “It’s okay to grieve. Even when you are mostly happy. There is something to pay attention to, here. And, not to worry. This too, shall pass.”