I wrote this letter to my mother in my journal while sitting on the above rock. It had been a month and a half since she passed, and I took a solo trip to Joshua Tree National Park.

letter to mom

Dear Mom,

I miss you so much. I miss your laugh. I miss you in the morning when I visit, in your robe or pjs, making toast, sipping coffee or tea, so happy to see me. Your hugs at the airport, a small swell in your eye whenever I leave.

Thank you for never making me feel guilty or bad for moving away. Instead you made me feel safe. Like I always had somewhere to fall.

You taught me that it's not how much makeup one wears, but who they are inside that really matters.

Heather [my sister] and I are our mother's daughters.

I took a trip to Joshua Tree by myself. I needed time alone with nature. I wanted to take you to see the wild flowers. So many along the hike to that peak. You would be here with me. You would have come to SD for my birthday again this year and we would have laughed a lot, and gone to the beach.

Joshua tree makes me realize that the littlest things make life extraordinary. All the tiny flowers that you can't see from afar, but when you get close you see how special each flower is.

That's how I feel about each special part about you. From a far, you are like a pretty picture. But up close, there are jewels in each crevasse. Pearls of wisdom. Beauty.

As I was home last month, spending a lot of time cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, sorting, clearing, I wondered why you didn't spend more time doing these things? Why did the entry room remain cluttered for so long? When was the last time you vaccuumed? And then I pictured you, rocking in your chair, Zoey on your lap, reading a book. And that is why. Because you understood that life is short, that you would much rather spend your hours reading, relaxing, loving your furry friend, than cleaning (something you didn't particularly enjoy). I get it now. A gem of wisdom you probably didn't even mean to leave me.

I miss you so much. You were never afraid to just be yourself. You wore clothes that made you happy, comfortable. You were soft. In so many different, wonderful ways.

Understanding, Yielding, non-judgemental, caring, kind, patient.

This is wisdom. And you showed us that it is never too late to know yourself better, to find new joys, passions, lights. And you showed us that it is okay to rest and celebrate small victories along the way.

That even contentment takes a lot of hard work, never mind the glimpses of happiness.

You were strong. Showing emotion but still loving a difficult family who used guilt and shame to hurt you. You grew a shell to protect yourself and taught us how, too. You taught us that guilt and shame is not the way to love. Your love for us never tasted guilt or shame. It was pure. It is pure.

You were so proud of us. I hope you saw all of your pieces inside us! My heart is big because of you.

Love,
Jessica

7 thoughts on “Letter to My Mother

  1. I loved this. You and your sister were so lucky to have this amazing woman in your life, to love and nurture, and call her your own. I can only imagine how much you miss her. Your mom’s essence is most definitely always with you, and it always will be. Love. Always.

  2. a very nice letter,so much has been said for what your Mother left behind for you & your sister-unconditional love for all..My Mother passed when i was 15 years young,i am now 57.Just this morning my spoke with all my loving family in the Spirit World.I continue to ask mom and family to guide me,give me strength,show me the beauty in every part of what i am able to see.To pray for our less fortunate,to always have Gratitude.Each morning i pray for what i’m about to experience.Although at times,i am sad,it is through prayer that brightens my heart.Hiy Hiy,All My Relations.

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